The war on Drugs.

It’s all a farce. That’s all it’s ever been. A lie, a complete and utter lie. Now, I hope none of this comes as a surprise, but there are many drugs, most of which can and will kill you if used improperly. And most of them are manufactured by companies designed to heal you and make you better with little understanding of the whole. They focus on the problem, not the whole, it’s all, we’re all interconnected. A one stop shop to stop the pain here, isn’t going to cure it. That pain comes from somewhere, and you need to find it and be able to work through it. The only way out of the pain is through. So let’s take medicine that doesn’t absolve and numb ourselves, but medicine that highlights and displays our trouble areas. Revealing themselves to us, so that we may work with them in parallel, not bury them further into our dermis.

A New Journey

A new chapter.

The journal resumes after a long trip, a marvelous journey in which it taught me many facts about myself, and clearly displayed some weaknesses, but finally, and most importantly, brought to my attention a cookie jar of wealth I had ignored for so long. What a fool I am.

Onwards, Advance!

Day 2 + 2 weeks.

This will be my second day of writing my auto biography. I suppose it’s more a journal than anything else. A someone I had really fond memories of just texted me lewds! We had a thing a long time ago. It could never be real, but we didn’t really talk about what we were. I didn’t really talk about it. I didn’t talk about shit. Hahahah

Ahh…

Learning is fun.

And painful.

Anyway, back to it mes amis.

So, the world is falling apart around me and I’m holding fast. I hear people on the east have no food as people keep buying all the supplies from the stores before other people can buy anything. I live in a relatively large city so, oh gosh, that means more people who’d eat me when it all runs out! Oh dear! But hopefully it won’t come to that.

We’re totally going into a great depression though. I have a good job, and a secure one. We have business, but it’s definitely a lot lighter. Except on Tuesdays, those are the worst! I have therapy once in the morning and once at night on Tuesdays and it’s also our busiest day at work. It still is our busiest day! No idea why…

In other news, I cleaned my apartment a bit. I took out the recycling, laundered my bedding, made food? Did ..I don’t remember what I did yesterday, it was a great day. Actually, it was an amazing day! What did I do…? I have such an awful memory. I can’t remember most of my past. I built such strong and sturdy walls to keep the evil out, it also keeps most other memories out. It hurts people sometimes, the fact that I just have,,, it’s not quite abysmal, neglected might be the word? Really the appropriate word is abused. I’ve just been through so much, I just don’t want anymore pain.

Something I have learned though, (going back to learning), is you do have to have trust. even when you don’t want to trust. You just have to ignore it. Ignore your fuckin’ fears. ’cause they don’t do shit for ya’!

I’m not healed, not fully, my mother’s death took a really hard toll on me, but it was bittersweet. I hate the idea that my mother’s death could have been positive, but it was.

But it was also, very painful. Obviously.

(This a****** type to text failed on me and it erased all of my s***. It also censors all of my swears which is also b*******.)

I know she really loved me. I know she really cared. But neither of them were parents. They were teenagers, rather, I think they were the ones that were terrified. They didn’t know what they were getting into, they weren’t ready to have a child. But my father thought it was a great idea because he was going to prison. So, he thought if he got married and had a kid, (the spawn of evil.) that he would be scott free! ‘You can’t send a new father to jail! That just wouldn’t be right now would it?’

Naww, but it doesn’t matter. They ended up sending him to boot camp instead. The reasons as to why he went to boot camp, he was an arms dealer! He was a legitimate arms dealer! For like gangs and mercenaries and shit! And I think that’s so fuckin’ cool, that’s the coolest fuckin’ thing ever!!! Like, how many of you can fuckin’ say that! Ahahahah!

But you know what, he acted like a piece of shit! But he doesn’t know any better, and it’s not his fault. An’ Lord knows it’s not my fault either.

But I didn’t deserve any of the shit he put me through. He shouldn’t have done that to me. All those years, they haunt me. They nag at me, gnawing away at me from the inside out. There’s a part of me that’s broken. And no ones ever tried to fix him, no ones ever listened to him no ones ever cared about him no one ever noticed he was there! But he was there the whole time, and he witnessed everything. He’s so close lipped about it now he won’t even tell me. He doesn’t want me to know, and I don’t really wanna’ know either. It’s better if I don’t remember the past, because looking forward is probably better for me anyway.

I’ll leave you with that tonight, you all take care, have a good night.

How Coronavirus Affects Me.

Sorry, it’s called COVID-19 now, who cares it’s the same damn thing.

 

Anyway. I was already traumatized and terrified of the world. This, didn’t make it any easier. I sit in my shitty Walmart desk chair and type away..All day. I luckily work from home now. I’m one of the few who can. I got into a good business and we’re still considered essential so I don’t believe we’ll be laid off. But my work ethic has diminished greatly. I’m so demoralized. I just wish I could see my friends at work again.

They were all so kind. The kindest people I’ve ever met. While everyone else there says “Yeah, it’s an okay job. Not the worst, not the best.” This job is literally the best I’ve ever had. I’ve never met kinder people before in my life. But they’re just people.

I suppose not everyone is always out to get me as it normally feels, but that place with them, was a luxury I didn’t take for granted.
I’m home now. I have some company. There are two Mallard ducks swimming in my backyard pond. A female and a male. The female seems quite skittish, but they’re both relatively laid back. They’ve even come up to look at me!

And there are also Goldfinches, Robins, Woodpeckers, and my most favorite, the squirrels. There are three of them. I believe one male, one female and another I don’t see as often, they’re outside of my fence and come into my yard once in a while. They lost their tail somehow so I’d like to feed that one a bit more if possible. But that one is quite timid and I rarely get the chance to feed him.

 

I HEAR ONE! I hear a squirrel right now. They come up to my glass door to my patio and I set out a small tray of food for them, it was an old peanut butter lid. I put some sunflower seeds in it. (I don’t put that many out because it’s bad for their bones. Not enough nutrients, same with peanuts.) However my aunt plans to send me some bird food and squirrel food too! I’m so thankful. I feel so, unsure of myself when I do anything it really helps that my aunt can help me do it. I suppose she’s buying the food for me so I’m not doing that much, but honestly I think she’s keeping me alive. Because I have such a terrible time eating in the first place. (She also buys me regular food.)

I’m actually kind of anorexic. It’s because I ration my food because I’m not used to having it. Then because I’m scared of not having the food, I let it go to waste because I don’t know how to cook and when I do cook it always comes out as an inedible sludge. I hate cooking. I remember a time when my father had me cook bacon on the stove to,

“vv! Make bacon!”

“Uh…okay, I’ve never done this before….”

“Just do what I say and do it.”

I know what bacon is, so I took it out and put it on the stove and turned it on. It hissed and splattered burning hot oil on me and I got scared. I wanted to ask my father for help, but I don’t believe he’d be capable of helping me. So I just waited until they looked edible and turned off the stove. I went over to talk to my father and tell him the bacon was done and when we come back and look at the bacon it’s on fire. And I’m terrified I’ll get another beating, and as my father scrambles to turn off the stove and put out the bacon he, well, you guessed it. Beat the shit out of me and yelled at me saying “You’re never allowed to cook ever again.” And since then, my fascination with food died that day.

I hate food..

 

I suppose this isn’t really about corona. I just live a miserable life, that’s been filled with non stop pain with fleeting moments of comfort. Any comfort or happiness I receive is quickly overshadowed or sundered by outside forces, and I don’t have the will, the knowledge, or the know how on how to keep it all together. So I leave. I give everything up and I run. Because no one cares about me. My life here, doesn’t mean anything. And that’s a fallacy I struggle with each day.

 

 

 

 

Moon Walking

I’m sitting here playing Rimworld with my most favorite character Silver, the master of all and most resilient character I’ve ever created. We’re just sitting here on a desert island and we’re all alone, when suddenly an old AI says he can finally take us away from this harsh planet. I’m getting everything ready to go, packing up the rice, the herbal medicine, and am about to pack by bed up on the camels I found. The 1 month journey will be difficult, maybe I’ll wait one more season and pack everything up after my next harvest. I’ve still got time.

 

“Have you seen any of my L wrenches?”

“What?”

“Have you seen any of my L wrenches?”

“What? No, I don’t know what that is..”

“An L wrench, you know, I’ve got some for this thing I have and I can’t find…..”

 

I tell my roommate I don’t have any, and we discuss further, until she grabs an “Allen wrench” from my tool kit. I then realize, I’m not actually in the world of Rimworld. I’m not ready to get on a 28 day journey to meet the AI and finally be free from this prison I live in. I’m distraught at the realization of it all, and I once again, feel trapped in my own home.

A Long Time Coming

It’s been over three months I believe since I last wrote here. It’s been an underwhelming last three months to be honest. Moving from one place to another, I am finally living relatively on my own. A girlfriend now turned friend living with me, provides added complications into my life. While it doesn’t distract me nor confuse me, it does encourage difficulties within our relationship. Emphasizing as I had forewarned before making the move that I would be distant,  unsympathetic and unempathetic towards her problems. Doesn’t that sound like a good boyfriend? I’ve just never felt engaged by interactions with other people. They’re tiresome and monotonous without objectives or a sense of completion. To me, the only reason I’d ever be sociable is to either strengthen my political or social status or to gather information. Usually it’s the latter. Now people may say that I do have friends and interact with people, and that is true. There are some that I may deem worthy of my attention, but for the most part, most people on this Earth are irrelevant and have no place in my life.

I suppose I could say this is no time to drink alone, but that’s what it’s come down to as I sit alone at my computer desk. Once again, drinking scotch whisky and writing more for the whole world to see and become enamored by. Heh, become, such a poor word. I’m in the mood to be creative and clever. I want to use my words with purpose and maybe create something interesting and entertaining. I’ve been watching videos about old Halo games and have realized I desire to create a story in the fashion of Halo ODST. While it’s unlikely I’ll finish such a story, I want to create a compelling villain. Someone dark, someone clever, and someone relatable. Someone that the reader can feel empathy for yet, also feel conflicted about that empathy. Surly giving empathy to the main antagonist would be wrong woudn’t it? Who knows, only we will if we read whatever I come up with and hopefully post in the future. Maybe I’ll continue my idea of Charlie in the space station. I know now what was missing, a physical conflict I could latch onto. The remnants of the war don’t breed good story, people want action and conflict.

Lone Wolves Die Alone.

Onboard a half filled CH-49 Mohawk,  I sit alone at the very end of the helicopter, right next to the ramp. My buddy Lolgasm is sick and out for this operation. So I’m on my own for this mission. We’re too understaffed to get me a partner, but I suppose it’s not the worst thing to happen. It’s better than having to take care of some rookie, and getting my ass killed tryin’ to save him. I look toward the pilot, and I notice the rest of the seats are mostly vacant, there’s about one person for every three seats in this 16 seater helicopter. Like I said, we’re understaffed. The ramp opens and I ready my parachute and line up to eject out of the Mohawk.

Green light.

The first one jumps, then second. I’m up. I hesitate a little to find the right landing site. “Got one.”

I jump.

“No one’s shooting at me yet” I think to myself as I rush towards a small walled garden next to a meager stone hut. I start taking shots about 30 meters from the ground to the East and West of me. I land, and immediately run inside the hut. I hear guys from behind one of the windows. Then I see two of them. It’s a squad and it looks like they’re going to try to enter. I put away my AK-12 and take out a satchel charge. I set the timer for 40 seconds just in case I don’t get away. He’s at the door, I sprint away into the second half of the building and close the door behind me. I hear the door open, and pull out the detonator.

*Click*

The first thing I feel is pain.  Pain in my ears. Rubble from the building is falling on top of me, the entire roof is gone and so are most of the walls. Only the middle supports and a couple of edges are left standing. I’m surprised I still have all my limbs. I look around the corner where the door used to be and see the remains of two backpacks and blood. I look around the other side to the right and see one guy on the floor unconscious and bleeding out. I take a deep breath and try to relax. I wait for about ten seconds then drop the detonator and pull out my primary.

I assess my situation, I look to the right and see the wall protecting the garden more houses to my left and, an AAF infantry man? He’s coming right at me. I wait patiently. I hear the zipper of a first aid kit and stand up then shoot the guy in the back. He was trying to revive his downed buddy. Sorry mate, not today.

I move into the next section of the building where the satchel exploded. Hunker down to the North East section of the hut and peek over, There’s a road heading north to a good vantage point on any infantry coming in, and a small skirmish to the West. I decide not to get involved and head north. I enter a medium sized building, two rooms on the bottom and two on top, stairs in the middle. I clear out each room and close all of the doors, then peek out to the north.

I wait. Patiently and stubbornly looking out the window for any sign of movement. Then finally, I see three guys getting out of a Little Bird. They get out and hide in a destroyed building 100 meters from me. I load my 40mm GP-25 and fire out the window.

1, 2, 3, *boom*

Lands right in the middle of the road 50 meters away from them. I fire again for 150.

1, 2, 3, 4, *Poof*

“Fuck. I’m still 20 meters short.”

I sight in for 200 this time and fire away. I don’t bother counting this time. I hear the explosion and look out to see someone flying across the road. I fire another one and don’t seem to hit anything.

*SNAP!* *SNAP!*

“Well this is bad.”

I peek carefully peek. Out the window. Just…just a little look. Just to see. Who’s shooting at me? * *Snap! Snap!* *Whizz!*

“OK shit, alright, I gotta get out of here.”

I lay down on the floor and roll over to the other side, then crawl towards the stairs. I keep hearing shots. He’s trying to get a pot shot at me through the wall. I book it down the stairs and hide next to the front door. I see a small church to the south, seems to be under construction or repair. I head for it.

I pass through three yards and some downed walls to get there, I don’t see anyone though. The church is facing the West and as I get closer I hear gunfire from the church. I lean up against the wall. Remembering the layout of the church, it’s small and has two windows on each side. One open arch doorway in the front and two pillars holding it up. I switch my gun to semi auto to maintain accuracy, I don’t want to waste all my ammo either if there’s more than one. I hear movement. I walk around the corner and fire two rounds into this guy’s back. Blufor. Apart of NATO, I can see his patches. He falls to the ground screaming for help. I put another one in him.

“I’m sorry man.”

He’s got a buddy. I run to the right side of the church, peek the corner and fire on his buddy running full sprint towards the other side of the church. He didn’t have time to realize what had happened. I pace myself and walk around the church towards his body.

“He’s unconscious. Good.”

“Hey he’s got a RPG-32.” I think about it for a sec. “Nah, too heavy.”

There’s a small niche in the church at the back and I sit tight for a minute trying to relax. Taking deep breaths. In the nose. Out the mouth. I start looking around for anyone. There’s a house to my left, door wide open. Another two story building on the right past the road…

“Hey help me! I’m hit!” I to my right.

I look over my shoulder and see a member of another squad down and bleeding out. He must have been paradropped and shot on his way down. I threw two smokes but the wind was heading towards me and didn’t cover his body, I risked it anyway. I ran up, put down my rifle and got a tourniquet from my FAK to treat the bleeding.

*Pop Pop*

I’m taking fire from the West, I see the guy down the road, more Blufor. I grab my rifle and run. There’s no reason to risk two of us.

“Hey help me! Where are you going!” “Just, just help me get the tourniquet on!”

“I’m sorry man, you’re on your own.”

I felt so selfish after saying that. In a way, I knowingly killed one of my team mates, an ally. But there’s no time to think about it now, I’ve got to get that guy.

“Okay” I say as I look around the corner and load another grenade. “He’s hiding behind another downed building. He’s probably waiting for me to go help that guy. I think, I see him. I think he’s about 150 meters away.” I fire. I miss, again. “Okay, a little further.” I fire again, a little higher this time. It lands behind the wall he’s hiding behind. I don’t know if I got him. I reload another one.

I look back and a HMG Humvee rolls up and two people get out, one runs towards the wall the other around the right side of the Humvee.

“RPG!”

I run up to that guys body and grab his RPG, I aim for about 200 meters and fire. I watch the whole thing. I’m watching this rocket fly, it arcs up just a little bit before landing right in the door of the vehicle and detonates bursting into flame.

“Yes!” I yell and decide it’s probably better if I left the area.

I head towards the house with the open door. It’s a small house, a side room for a bed, and two corridors. One main corridor connecting the rooms, then the mudroom for the back door. I enter from the front and clear out the bedroom to the left, I close the doors behind me and move to the next room.

“Clear.”

I open the next door leading to the backyard and peek out. It leads straight to a road, one building left and many more down the block to the right. I can’t see anyone so I walked down the first step. As soon as I took that step, someone kicked in the chest. Then he did it again. I couldn’t hold my breath. I fell on the ground and dropped my gun.

“Oh. Well, shit.” I think to myself. “That’s it isn’t it. Heh.”

I was alone.