Day 2 + 2 weeks.

This will be my second day of writing my auto biography. I suppose it’s more a journal than anything else. A someone I had really fond memories of just texted me lewds! We had a thing a long time ago. It could never be real, but we didn’t really talk about what we were. I didn’t really talk about it. I didn’t talk about shit. Hahahah

Ahh…

Learning is fun.

And painful.

Anyway, back to it mes amis.

So, the world is falling apart around me and I’m holding fast. I hear people on the east have no food as people keep buying all the supplies from the stores before other people can buy anything. I live in a relatively large city so, oh gosh, that means more people who’d eat me when it all runs out! Oh dear! But hopefully it won’t come to that.

We’re totally going into a great depression though. I have a good job, and a secure one. We have business, but it’s definitely a lot lighter. Except on Tuesdays, those are the worst! I have therapy once in the morning and once at night on Tuesdays and it’s also our busiest day at work. It still is our busiest day! No idea why…

In other news, I cleaned my apartment a bit. I took out the recycling, laundered my bedding, made food? Did ..I don’t remember what I did yesterday, it was a great day. Actually, it was an amazing day! What did I do…? I have such an awful memory. I can’t remember most of my past. I built such strong and sturdy walls to keep the evil out, it also keeps most other memories out. It hurts people sometimes, the fact that I just have,,, it’s not quite abysmal, neglected might be the word? Really the appropriate word is abused. I’ve just been through so much, I just don’t want anymore pain.

Something I have learned though, (going back to learning), is you do have to have trust. even when you don’t want to trust. You just have to ignore it. Ignore your fuckin’ fears. ’cause they don’t do shit for ya’!

I’m not healed, not fully, my mother’s death took a really hard toll on me, but it was bittersweet. I hate the idea that my mother’s death could have been positive, but it was.

But it was also, very painful. Obviously.

(This a****** type to text failed on me and it erased all of my s***. It also censors all of my swears which is also b*******.)

I know she really loved me. I know she really cared. But neither of them were parents. They were teenagers, rather, I think they were the ones that were terrified. They didn’t know what they were getting into, they weren’t ready to have a child. But my father thought it was a great idea because he was going to prison. So, he thought if he got married and had a kid, (the spawn of evil.) that he would be scott free! ‘You can’t send a new father to jail! That just wouldn’t be right now would it?’

Naww, but it doesn’t matter. They ended up sending him to boot camp instead. The reasons as to why he went to boot camp, he was an arms dealer! He was a legitimate arms dealer! For like gangs and mercenaries and shit! And I think that’s so fuckin’ cool, that’s the coolest fuckin’ thing ever!!! Like, how many of you can fuckin’ say that! Ahahahah!

But you know what, he acted like a piece of shit! But he doesn’t know any better, and it’s not his fault. An’ Lord knows it’s not my fault either.

But I didn’t deserve any of the shit he put me through. He shouldn’t have done that to me. All those years, they haunt me. They nag at me, gnawing away at me from the inside out. There’s a part of me that’s broken. And no ones ever tried to fix him, no ones ever listened to him no ones ever cared about him no one ever noticed he was there! But he was there the whole time, and he witnessed everything. He’s so close lipped about it now he won’t even tell me. He doesn’t want me to know, and I don’t really wanna’ know either. It’s better if I don’t remember the past, because looking forward is probably better for me anyway.

I’ll leave you with that tonight, you all take care, have a good night.