Day 2 + 2 weeks.

This will be my second day of writing my auto biography. I suppose it’s more a journal than anything else. A someone I had really fond memories of just texted me lewds! We had a thing a long time ago. It could never be real, but we didn’t really talk about what we were. I didn’t really talk about it. I didn’t talk about shit. Hahahah

Ahh…

Learning is fun.

And painful.

Anyway, back to it mes amis.

So, the world is falling apart around me and I’m holding fast. I hear people on the east have no food as people keep buying all the supplies from the stores before other people can buy anything. I live in a relatively large city so, oh gosh, that means more people who’d eat me when it all runs out! Oh dear! But hopefully it won’t come to that.

We’re totally going into a great depression though. I have a good job, and a secure one. We have business, but it’s definitely a lot lighter. Except on Tuesdays, those are the worst! I have therapy once in the morning and once at night on Tuesdays and it’s also our busiest day at work. It still is our busiest day! No idea why…

In other news, I cleaned my apartment a bit. I took out the recycling, laundered my bedding, made food? Did ..I don’t remember what I did yesterday, it was a great day. Actually, it was an amazing day! What did I do…? I have such an awful memory. I can’t remember most of my past. I built such strong and sturdy walls to keep the evil out, it also keeps most other memories out. It hurts people sometimes, the fact that I just have,,, it’s not quite abysmal, neglected might be the word? Really the appropriate word is abused. I’ve just been through so much, I just don’t want anymore pain.

Something I have learned though, (going back to learning), is you do have to have trust. even when you don’t want to trust. You just have to ignore it. Ignore your fuckin’ fears. ’cause they don’t do shit for ya’!

I’m not healed, not fully, my mother’s death took a really hard toll on me, but it was bittersweet. I hate the idea that my mother’s death could have been positive, but it was.

But it was also, very painful. Obviously.

(This a****** type to text failed on me and it erased all of my s***. It also censors all of my swears which is also b*******.)

I know she really loved me. I know she really cared. But neither of them were parents. They were teenagers, rather, I think they were the ones that were terrified. They didn’t know what they were getting into, they weren’t ready to have a child. But my father thought it was a great idea because he was going to prison. So, he thought if he got married and had a kid, (the spawn of evil.) that he would be scott free! ‘You can’t send a new father to jail! That just wouldn’t be right now would it?’

Naww, but it doesn’t matter. They ended up sending him to boot camp instead. The reasons as to why he went to boot camp, he was an arms dealer! He was a legitimate arms dealer! For like gangs and mercenaries and shit! And I think that’s so fuckin’ cool, that’s the coolest fuckin’ thing ever!!! Like, how many of you can fuckin’ say that! Ahahahah!

But you know what, he acted like a piece of shit! But he doesn’t know any better, and it’s not his fault. An’ Lord knows it’s not my fault either.

But I didn’t deserve any of the shit he put me through. He shouldn’t have done that to me. All those years, they haunt me. They nag at me, gnawing away at me from the inside out. There’s a part of me that’s broken. And no ones ever tried to fix him, no ones ever listened to him no ones ever cared about him no one ever noticed he was there! But he was there the whole time, and he witnessed everything. He’s so close lipped about it now he won’t even tell me. He doesn’t want me to know, and I don’t really wanna’ know either. It’s better if I don’t remember the past, because looking forward is probably better for me anyway.

I’ll leave you with that tonight, you all take care, have a good night.

How Coronavirus Affects Me.

Sorry, it’s called COVID-19 now, who cares it’s the same damn thing.

 

Anyway. I was already traumatized and terrified of the world. This, didn’t make it any easier. I sit in my shitty Walmart desk chair and type away..All day. I luckily work from home now. I’m one of the few who can. I got into a good business and we’re still considered essential so I don’t believe we’ll be laid off. But my work ethic has diminished greatly. I’m so demoralized. I just wish I could see my friends at work again.

They were all so kind. The kindest people I’ve ever met. While everyone else there says “Yeah, it’s an okay job. Not the worst, not the best.” This job is literally the best I’ve ever had. I’ve never met kinder people before in my life. But they’re just people.

I suppose not everyone is always out to get me as it normally feels, but that place with them, was a luxury I didn’t take for granted.
I’m home now. I have some company. There are two Mallard ducks swimming in my backyard pond. A female and a male. The female seems quite skittish, but they’re both relatively laid back. They’ve even come up to look at me!

And there are also Goldfinches, Robins, Woodpeckers, and my most favorite, the squirrels. There are three of them. I believe one male, one female and another I don’t see as often, they’re outside of my fence and come into my yard once in a while. They lost their tail somehow so I’d like to feed that one a bit more if possible. But that one is quite timid and I rarely get the chance to feed him.

 

I HEAR ONE! I hear a squirrel right now. They come up to my glass door to my patio and I set out a small tray of food for them, it was an old peanut butter lid. I put some sunflower seeds in it. (I don’t put that many out because it’s bad for their bones. Not enough nutrients, same with peanuts.) However my aunt plans to send me some bird food and squirrel food too! I’m so thankful. I feel so, unsure of myself when I do anything it really helps that my aunt can help me do it. I suppose she’s buying the food for me so I’m not doing that much, but honestly I think she’s keeping me alive. Because I have such a terrible time eating in the first place. (She also buys me regular food.)

I’m actually kind of anorexic. It’s because I ration my food because I’m not used to having it. Then because I’m scared of not having the food, I let it go to waste because I don’t know how to cook and when I do cook it always comes out as an inedible sludge. I hate cooking. I remember a time when my father had me cook bacon on the stove to,

“vv! Make bacon!”

“Uh…okay, I’ve never done this before….”

“Just do what I say and do it.”

I know what bacon is, so I took it out and put it on the stove and turned it on. It hissed and splattered burning hot oil on me and I got scared. I wanted to ask my father for help, but I don’t believe he’d be capable of helping me. So I just waited until they looked edible and turned off the stove. I went over to talk to my father and tell him the bacon was done and when we come back and look at the bacon it’s on fire. And I’m terrified I’ll get another beating, and as my father scrambles to turn off the stove and put out the bacon he, well, you guessed it. Beat the shit out of me and yelled at me saying “You’re never allowed to cook ever again.” And since then, my fascination with food died that day.

I hate food..

 

I suppose this isn’t really about corona. I just live a miserable life, that’s been filled with non stop pain with fleeting moments of comfort. Any comfort or happiness I receive is quickly overshadowed or sundered by outside forces, and I don’t have the will, the knowledge, or the know how on how to keep it all together. So I leave. I give everything up and I run. Because no one cares about me. My life here, doesn’t mean anything. And that’s a fallacy I struggle with each day.